So it's a time when one disaster comes after another. You could hardly accept it, since surely it wasn't your fault, but you suffer nonetheless.

Your blood curdles with each passing of day, knowing how insolent your situation has become. Ragged breaths overcome you, unsure if you'll end up collapsing like a heap of desperation or resign yourself with the glazed eyes of dead hopes.

You find that reason defies you. Tolerance escapes you. Dissension floods you.

You want to revolt. You want to bleed the culprit dry for the malady you have become. But bound by the chains of position, gnashing your teeth is the best you could do. The best you could ever do.

You try to reassess your ground. And you find that yours has eroded. There's no place to go. No escape. A vile certainty dawns upon you - you'll starve in the isolation, stunted by the lack of opportunities your surrounding could not, never, bestow. You try to test if you could climb down this canyon of despair, but think about twice as the steep slope offered nothing but absolute demise. You scout for a better and safer position, but all you could see are clouds - announcing such altitude that you know you'll never surmount.

But then...

The sun's rays catch your eyes and the momentary blindness turns to an instant realization. The skies offer no escape. The sharp gust of winds offer no place for solace. But the space offers something more meaningful than its meaning itself - freedom.

You jump off from the edge and leave your abhorrent prison to fly. Hoping against hope that before you hit the ground, an opportunity of salvation catches you.

Or hope against hope, that you just fall and fall, until the time comes a loud thud would end you up, in free form, in the same heaven you just fell from.

Hindi ko ito madalas sabihin, at wala sa ugali ko ang magpatumba. Ngunit sa unang pagkakataon ng pag-amin, di ko na mapigilang isigaw:

Ayoko na.

Nauubos na ako. Pilit kong tinatanggi ang mga alinlangan sa paligid ko. Subalit sa ganitong harap-harapang pambabalasubas, kahit sinong matatag ang loob ay kusang titiklop.

Sino ba ang hindi maghahangad na mapabuti ang sarili? Sino ba ang tatanggi sa pag-usad? Ngayong nakikita kong unti-unting nalalagas ang mga punlang matagal ko ng nakagisnan, hindi ko lubos-maisip na darating ang lahat sa ganito. Paano ka mas bubuti sa isang tumutuyot na mundo? Paano ka uusad sa isang lumulubog na barko?

Wala ng pag-asa. Kahit ang sariling-likhang pag-asa na inukit ko sa aking loob ay lanta na. Saan pa ako huhugot ng pangarap kung ni isang kislap ng mabuting sandali ay tinutunaw na ng kasalukuyan? Nasaan pa ba ang kinabukasan?

Ilang libong araw ko ring pinagpawisan na marating ang kinalalagyan ko ngayon. Sa isang banat lang pala ng katampalasan ay daglian lang akong hihilahin pabalik sa kung saan ako nagsimula.

Para lang pala akong isang dagang kinulong sa isang umiikot na roleta. Napapagod sa kalalakad, pero hindi naman pala umuusad.

Kaya ayoko na. Ni isang butil ng pawis ay hindi ko na pag-aaksayan sa ganitong uri ng panlilinlang.

Ayoko na. Ayoko na.

You get some. You lose some.

You get some...

Summer getaway. Almost 25 years of existence on Earth and I haven't even hopped out of mainland Luzon to experience true island tripping in the Visayas. So barely recovered from my post-Valentine trauma, I took off my first ever air flight and left the city's pollution to savor a fresher picturesque that is nevertheless the place to be this summer - Boracay.

You lose some...

Friends who are just so... Never mind.

You get some...

Recovery from the painstaking weight gain. After more than a year I finally decided to return to my Fitness First relationship. I had to burn a couple of bucks to revive my membership and now I'm trying my best to be diligent in working out. I'm even gathering the guts to eventually lose most of my rice intake just to relieve myself of this abominating stomach. I'm even thinking to be caught up in that Judy Ann commercial. Argh. I hate diets.

You lose some...

Esteem at work. It's been bad enough my monthly income's been slowly diminishing because of the scarcity of opportunities I could have to save these people from terminating their accounts. Now it's made worse because our ever glorified way of management has decided to "maximize utilization" of us agents. As if we're not working enough to give them the results that they demand.

You get some...

More responsibilities. The recent big bang in my workplace has caused some responsibilities to be left to me. Now I'm tasked to take care of my team. Worse, to do some stuff a superior should be doing.  It's good enough I care to bother myself with these things. I unfortunately have to live up to my word that I would have to develop myself more professionally and skillfully before this year ends.

You lose some...

Stability at work. For almost three years I've worked in a company where job security was so bright that you wouldn't think nothing could go wrong. But little did we know that only a single network vermin could  actually trigger panic and cause our company stocks to plummet down. Now I'm not even sure if I'm to survive the year with the same job.

Now did I get more, or did I lose more, miserably?

Fine. Heart's day will pass by again this year with me being fed by the eerie chills of solitude. I have no someone to share its meaning with, nobody to foster the warmth of the season's artificially induced passion to experience love in whatever fashion.

But anybody knows that already, right? So there's no more reasons to fuzz over it. In as much as I don't want to be the self-absorbed loser trying to deny Valentines Day with all the scorn I could muster, I might as well just remain resolute that a special day in one's love life could never be measured by the coming of a very contrived day of the year.

Sa presinto na lang ako magpapaliwanag.

-oOo-

And so Preview mag has decreed, Gretchen, Ruffa, Dawn and Angel are the most beautiful women in the land. But Fairview mag has also proclaimed: Anton (Gretchen), Kiko (Ruffa), Christian (Dawn), and Leo (Angel) are the most ambisyosang ateng nagmamaganda sa balat ng lupa. Magaling, magaling, magaling.

Anton, like Greta, is rich. Or trying to be rich. Bouncing CHECK?!

Kiko, like Ruffa, is just as well, Miss World material. Charos!

Christian, who apart from being as plump as Dawn, seems to also have this discreet rift with Anton (Gretchen). Issue itu!

Leo, with all the prominent bones of Angel, seems to also pronounce the anorexic statement of models. Magdalawang kahnen ka na ateh!

So watch out sa kanilang upcoming commecial ng Mcdo. Chismis!

-oOo-

Hay. Tinatagalog ko na kasi wa na talaga ko sa mood pumiga ng ingles ngayon. Happy puso na lang sa inyong lahat. Shet! Hehehe! :D

Sometimes I forget to forget you. But surely, I'm forgetting you all the same.

I'm not even resorting to get a rebound. My efforts in wanting to keep you have exhausted any drive of mine to pursue any new form of happiness. I've taken this toll. You simply made me tired. I'll never let you again.

I know you're still alive, lurking somewhere. Sometimes I want you dead, for all the good it will bring me. Not. Better if you choked instead. Nah. Or if you get run down by a speeding bus. Geesh. I don't want to wish you ill. I just want to entertain some thoughts I've had for a long time. You did give me all the reasons to be. For once I want to unleash this bitterness I've trained so long to contain.

I've restrained myself to get in touch with you. Erasing your number won't do me any good if you would get in touch with me all the same. But thankfully, you haven't. That's a good sign. Somebody else is eating your time, and that's less time spent to even think of me. When you think of me, I suffer. I can't take any more gloom. My life's pestered enough to bother one more dose of hell from you. I want so eagerly to get you out of my life. 

However hard reality has cheated me to reluctantly accept that you will always be a part of me.

It's a funny thing I'd even pretend of inanimate things as the answer of achieving escape from the grip of your memories. True. I already sound desperate. Weak. I never pretended to be otherwise. I was simply being positive. I'm always positive.

Consistently positive that I want to break.

There's nothing good to look forward to anymore about having you in my life. You have buried me deep with such implacable agony. I cannot rise from being this dead. Before, I wanted to bend time and space to return to where we could have started everything right. But it dawned on me that it really no longer mattered. It took a long time for it to finally sink in. My fault for being so positive. I regret the time and effort spent in trying to achieve this middle ground. But it's done. There is no middle ground. There can never be one, not when you frolic around God knows where and I'm left in a corner bleary-eyed and trying so desperately to hold on to something that would bleed me dry in the end.

I've finally found a crystal-clear reason to forget you.

I hate you.

Gone are the golden days of web hosting...

I entered this call center life May of 2004. God, I've been here for almost three years. I've surely gone a long way. But looking back...

I let myself be swallowed by the call center explosion utterly clueless of what was in store for me. I was barely a college graduate who's ran out of rights to ask for family support, so I resorted to work. In a call center, where what I was trained for in college wouldn't apply, but I would get employed nonetheless.

Let me see. I was in some way a hardcore science geek. I loved Biology, Chemistry, Geography, Astronomy and a bit of Physics and Calculus. What was I to do with myself in the call center environment? I was never really the babble type. I was a thinker, often keeping thoughts to myself. More often writing my thoughts out. I was never the one to participate in discussions. I never raised a hand during class recitations. Though I was not dismal with the English language, I had no blood to be fluent. How would I survive?

Thankfully, I'm naturally born happy person. This is where I had my store of courage to finally venture on to this strange environment even if my upbringing never imagined me to be communicating with people more often than I should.

So put the story short - I started out as an out-of placed and untrained call center employee. Web Hosting is where my life began to change.

What is web hosting? The hell, I'd imagine my eyes bulging when I was told that that would be my account. I had no freakin' idea what web hosting was. I was in some ways knowledgeable of computers and internet connection because I had to know them when I was studying. But little did I know web hosting was altogether a whole new different level of internet experience.

From google.com:

The World Wide Web is a massive collection of web sites, all hosted on computers (called web servers) all over the world. The web server (computer) where your web site's html files, graphics, etc. reside is known as the web host. Web hosting clients simply upload their web sites to a shared (or dedicated) webserver, which the ISP maintains to ensure a constant, fast connection to the Internet.

Nosebleed, anyone?

In no instant, my table of chemical elements, my hardbound microbiology book, my favorite world atlas and more than 100 units of science-related courses in UP went down the drain.

But no matter. I took the challenge. I did not belong in the pioneer batch, but the account I got myself into was new being barely four months of start of operation. Everybody was trying to grasp what web hosting was all about. Of course, those who had the technical background had more edge in understanding web hosting better. Those like me who had no prior training had to begin from scratch.

And God knows the kinds of ordeals me and my batch had to go through just to get ultimately regularized after 6 months. We were subjected to all kinds of harsh conditions - the exploding volume of calls, the comprehension and logical challenge the account imposed and the cretinous management style the company had.

Why we had lasted this long was because me and my teammates stuck together in overcoming those challenges.

Despite the occasional beer drinking sessions that often served as stress-relievers, countless cigarette breaks, and controversial out-of-towns of which some teammates ended up violating schedule adherence, we persevered to learn. We strived hard to tame the enigmatic account. We didn't want to get defeated. Until it became a reality.

We BECAME web hosting.

But more challenges needed to be overcome. And some of us no longer survived them. We welcomed new members, tried to teach them what we knew. We taught them tricks that would make the harsh life of web hosting much easier. That was the culture - everybody lent a hand with something. We thought we owed it to our mentors what we learned, and in time, give them in return the finality that we were not a failure.

But little by little, the powerhouse web hosting agents slowly diminished in numbers. Many factors - some got better career opportunities elsewhere, some simply got burned-out, some just didn't find future in web hosting. Until the new outnumbered the old. Until a paradigm shift transpired.

It all began when a breed of hard-skulled newbies came rushing in and merged with the perennially discontent lot of agents to rob web hosting its former glory.

From then on, life became more challenging.

When before the challenge was to overcome the challenge of web hosting, now it has mutated to become the challenge that is the new generation web hosting communication and comprehension problem.

To put it simply:

1. Agents are tongue-tied and grammatically-challenged. Talk about going back to elementary English.

2. Other agents are like brain-dead to actually understand what their web hosting issues are. Worse, they don't seem to have the initiative to learn further.

3. Some agents are just to pricky about their rights not to be offended when their mistakes are corrected through coaching feedbacks. They take things too personally that one who has good intentions of teaching them end up shouldering the tag of being unprofessional.

Gone are the golden days of web hosting because agents are more eager to escalate their calls rather than learn what their web hosting issues are really all about. They don't want to own their calls. They don't want to learn from the call experience. They blame others mistakes because they don't want to  be accountable. And worse, and I'll say it over and over gain, they simply refuse to learn.

We surely were not like this then.

I may be speaking from a biased point of view, being the one who accepts escalations and invalidates out-of-this world service requests, but there's only one thing that I refuse to believe - I don't think people can be this dumb, or hard-headed, or arrogant.

I may be the arrogant one actually speaking. But I can't blame myself though if I am. Like them, I get subjected to virtually the same harsh conditions they have. But what do I have that these tried agents don't have? I'm not to say I love my job - in fact, I'm still struggling. But why do I still bother staying?

Looking back. I never started here with anything. How come I have something in my pocket now? Some can say - it doesn't follow because I am not like them. I'm not insisting that they become like me. But they can at least try. I say when you really are hell-serious to achieve what you want to achieve, you can achieve anything. And cheesy as it may sound, achieving my balance in web hosting is one of my biggest and most serious achievements in life. I don't want to lose that like I did relinquishing my interest in the sciences. I have seen and found enough value in my job to actually want to keep it.

The problem with web hosting now is that - you're not sure you want to see everybody get fired because of incompetence, or you just don't want to be surprised to see people resigning because they never cared for their jobs in the first place.

However, it's not too late to bring back the glory days. If all of us here in this team simply focus on getting better and set our minds to the positive, there is a very good chance that all of us can get to keep our jobs.

And that would make Dubois very happy.

Year 2006 just ended. I almost wanted to ignore it's gone. But my bad. I could never forget what a bitch 2006 was.

I don't know if 2006 was more of the good than of the bad for me. I often think I've this knack for being unfortunate, but it seems some good highlights lined my life during the past year as well.

Let me enumerate the bad:

1. No more Swiper no swiping, as my HSBC Visa went haywire and collections kept on wanting to be my phone pal.

2. My Globe postpaid met its third demise. Who ever said strike three wasn't a take home?

3. My former roommate sequestered and took for himself our TV and DVD player. He was money over matter. Debt above all friendship. Hehehe.

4. I went home finally to Pangasinan after more than two years of absence, only to be cast aside by my egomaniacal of a father.

5. I was misery incarnate when I had to leave my mother only 6 hours after arriving at our house during that Pangasinan visit. I don't know how long I cried on my way to Baguio with my friends Leo and Anton. I would have given Ate Charo an episode to reckon with.

6. I had an awry affair with an 18-year old, who left me remarkably wounded physically and mentally.

7. I swallowed all pride to take Sonick back into my life again, only to be left out sorely clueless in the end. He finally clarifies the abandonment was due to him reverting to his brooding self when his father died. How many times did it linger in my mind why he wouldn't afford to take me back, only to find out later on that he's already with someone else? And when he became single again, I was the doddering fool hoping for him to finally take me in again, only to end up burning with disappointment. I've already erased his number. I hope he doesn't get in touch with me again. Ha!

8. I became the center of power struggle at work, with me getting a negative behavioral mark that I will forever carry in this call center life.

9. Paydays never felt like paydays at all, because my bank account was like a black hole. I never really got to manage my finances well. Thank God a miracle happened before I could end up a total mendicant.

10. I'm still single. Bah!

And now, the good:

1. I got to travel more again - tagging along with our company outing in Island Cove, Cavite, with newbies in Tagaytay, with teammates in Pansol, Laguna, with friends in Pangasinan, Baguio and Pampanga.

2. I don't know if this is a good thing, but I did get my frequent dose of momentary flings. I'm not sure if this is good because I'm the relationship type. Hahaha!

3. I got readmitted to UP. Though I'm still to finish my pestilential course, at least I've ended my two-year AWOL.

4. I leveled up to Tier 2 here at work. Finally.

5. I got the highest pay I had in my whole life.

6. I became Tier 2 of the month for two consecutive months, only two months after I got in.

7. I got to buy a new set of TV and DVD.

8. Shop, shop and shop. Pay some of the bills. Rented my own room now.

9. Send "relief" to my family in the province, no matter how my father had seemed to have disowned me.

10. I got to win back some of my friends again.

Oh well. I thought I'd never post this flashback yearender. Truth be told, 2007 still ticks a certain trepidation. I have these plans I want to realize, but I'm still afraid I'm quite attached to the status quo.

I hope 2007 fares well for me. Of course, who wouldn't? As friends would tell me, my life is in my hands.

Please 2007 - don't be such a bitch.

Rock on!

Trying to be friends with someone I used to love proves to be a clearly tricky task.

He never fails to bleed me with his grand gestures of indifference. He always succeeds in breaking me with his callous disregard of my disposition. He notices me for a moment, but most of the time it's as if I never existed at all. It beats me that I'm maintaining composure eventhough I'm racked by all his misgivings. I want to be there for him because I want him to realize that I'm only around with the sole intent of offering him a sincere friendship. I'm no longer holding on to the failed scatterbrain episode of our dysfunctional affair, but everytime he casts me aside, I'm good as miserable. Spurned and beaten. How long do I have to endure this?

Damn it. Making a fool of myself has never been this aggravating. I survive each instance he puts me into this doleful state. I contain how my insides burn with livid heat each time he hurls me with his disdain. It makes me strong. Being put to this test defines my character. My limits reach new bounds. But he hurts me all the same. And I can't grasp the point why does it have to be him when surely I can get these ordeals from elsewhere.

I just hope if he does not have any better purpose in his life to keep me then better let me go.

No matter. I know I'm not the type of person who easily forgets. And though I know that I cannot completely erase these lingering emotions I have for the guy, in time, if this condition continues, I'll not have him in my life anymore. Especially when he keeps on giving me reasons not to keep him. I hope he wants that.

I cannot be so entirely stupid to let him stunt my life and not pursue a better happiness with another person. I know I chose to be entangled with him still, but as these tangles loosen up as time goes by, I can only end up reaching out to another person more worthy to entangle my life with...

Getting over it for real this time sure was no easy task.

In fact, I had to struggle figuring out if I had truly gotten over this feeling. And for once I can confidently say that I am truly sure. I can kiss my feelings for Sonick goodbye.

Oops. And after all this time I'm still reeling off my ever elusive ex. Well, I guess it's better than be catatonic over our foiled love story. But what makes this raving different is the fact that once and for all we established closure together.

I had this nagging feeling of solitude one Saturday morning after my shift. Didn't know how to exactly handle it, I let my impulse buying lure me inside SM North. The hum of Sitti's bossa music kept ringing inside my head, so I charged inside Music One to buy her CD. I was a bit surprised to see the CD racks full of bossa-related records, I wasn't really aware the music genre was flourishing at this time, so I allowed my pop attitude choose the more popular Sitti album. Choosing her wasn't really difficult. Deep inside I knew I had to patronize a fellow Isko, a celebrity at that which is really rare, but that aside I thought she is a good artist.

So I got the record playing inside my player and for a moment my room transformed into melodrama. I must have been watching too much of Clark Kent's boyhood in Smallville to fuzz about intimate dances in proms and be crazy like Chloe Sullivan. The music that was flooding my room was intolerable. Worse, I had to douse myself with a can of beer to really strip down my mood. And so in that moment of vulnerability, I understood. I was lonely. And it was nothing new.

The reason for loneliness? Well, it shouldn't be difficult to tell by now. The wishful-thinking song "Para Sa Akin" made me send a message to a Globe number that was Sonick's. He peculiarly replied, which led me to get on with SMS formalities such as "Musta?" and "Anong balita?" Indeed, what knocked me off my feet was his news.

He broke off with his boyfriend. Told as if it just came out of the evening news.

Now, wasn't that music to my ears? In an instant I became Mike Enriquez and had half my close friends learn the news. I knew by then I was a fretting idiot. But I couldn't help it. There were doubts clouding the outcome of the day. And the strongest was this: just how sure was I that the thing with the break-up would favor me?

I couldn't let the chance pass me by, the way I did last time, so I mustered half my courage to ask Sonick out that night. And so he did oblige. Where else than the haven of queer urban audacity - Malate.

I even had my friend Leo come along just in case I get the boot. I wasn't really optimistic about a night of serious talk. For me it was enough that Sonick and I treated each other like normal friends. But it wasn't really what Leo had in mind.

When Sonick joined us inside Synder Bar, Leo made his attack of questions to extract Sonick's opinion of a possible 3rd try with me. Leo I guess underestimated Sonick's personality - he always does, because he has this close-to-callous regard of people not really important to him - and so they ended up on each other's throats.

I could only crumple my cigarette pack as I spent my last cigarette stick.

I still don't know up until now what Leo's intentions were in having to provoke Sonick with uncomfortable questions - maybe he just wanted to know if the gait I was measuring up that night was going to be good for more than a night, or he wanted to be satisfied with the fact that I'll have solitude for company for a longer while. Not that it mattered. Leo was Leo. I'm not really putting much of the blame on him for spoiling my night, except for the fact that he didn't want to apologize about the fuzz he had upon learning from Sonick that I didn't have a chance for another relationship and ended up offending the guy.

I could only smile and accept the truth. I had worked on my emotional defense hard not to crash down and start crying.

Though I really wanted to cry. But my hardened jaws, frozen smiles and grated teeth did not let me down.

It was good I did not allow myself to shed a single tear. Because when I finally asked Sonick myself if he still loved me, he said he couldn't feel anything for me anymore.

Worse, I was not the only ex to have stated intentions of winning him back (though this wouldn't be the first time we'd be together again if ever).

And so the night was over. And the day that started with a melodramatic pitch ended in an almost tragic heap.

The only thing I could remember as the good thing that happened that night was Sonick's appearance himself. He looked especially simple, yet he still maintained the same worry-free style I once liked about him. If given a choice I could've treasured our moment there together - it was our best time together after we broke up - but knowing that things could never be the way they were before resigned me into thinking that Sonick and I could be best off as friends, really.

Now, I have a personal revelation. I can't say I'm happy for not being the one for Sonick, I can accept now that our time has truly passed, but for some reason, knowing that he didn't love me anymore truly broke me off from not giving up on him so easily. For a long time I never felt this free, and in some way, relieved. I know there's still a chance that I could change his mind, given he'd have his willingness back to risk another relationship with me or any other guy. At this point in time it's still too early to tell knowing that it hasn't been a month since he parted with his last. But I guess it's no longer worth it to dwell with a past that has clearly eluded and excluded me. I'm better off as Sonick's friend because I know I'll be at peace to learn that he's not alone in this world. There's a better future to be his friend when he's in need of one.

Now, is that a startling change in my perspective as I continue to race my way in this journey called life?