It's as if my world got transported to the abyss. I should fester and burn to ashes, but I feel cold. Frozen.

It's official now. One of my most important lifelines is about to be taken away from me. I feel helpless, derailed. My heart is heavy. My mind is a mess. My tears won't come out. My emotions are building up inside me. I'm cold. I'm frozen.

It is the most difficult goodbye.

It's not just about losing business, nor losing the position I've worked hard for. It's not even about losing the perks and material rewards, nor the prospect of having to start my career all over.

Even the point of suddenly losing all the achievements you've worked hard for all these years - to keep the company alive - micrifies the one thing I cannot bear to let go.

I cannot bear to lose the people I have built a very strong strong friendship with over the years.

I cannot imagine how to step inside this place knowing that I would soon be facing complete strangers. Where's the comfort in not being able to witness and experience, again, how we used to deal with our everyday lives - the funny moments fooling around the floor, singing out-of-tune songs, relaxing during coffee breaks, burning cancer sticks at each opportunity, gobbling down food during food trips, and forgetting sanity for each gulp of that amber liquid?

There's no way I could describe what I am about to lose. I can't even begin to deign how I feel. Sure, it's sadness. Dysphoria. And that makes it all the more tiring. I haven't experienced how it is to lose someone you hold dear. But the way I'm feeling right now, I fear it's this close.

My tears can't seem to find a way to get out. My non-reaction is fleetingly dangerous. I'm a breakdown waiting to erupt. I'm a heartache waiting to unleash hell.

I'm still trying to put the pieces together. Perhaps, despite the sadness, I'll be able to find a shifting happiness in reminiscing times spent in reverie. But at the end of the day, as sure as night turns into day, I would find myself unwillingly turning my back on the people I have come to cherish. A miracle would be most welcome, but the uncertainty of it is daunting. I am not confident to be positive about it, when we were surely confident before that no way would our exploits end.

It is the end.

Goodbye Web Hosting. Till we meet again.